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Ten Ways to Beat the Market

Today of all days seems to be the perfect time to unveil my ten best ways to earn benchmark-busting returns. Use them wisely.

  1. Chose funds with stellar past records. The logic is clear, simple, and rock solid: Nothing predicts future success better than past success.
  2. Trade furiously. When stocks are going up, buy them. When they're going down, sell. This isn't complicated, people.
  3. Go with what's hot. If your brother-in-law, your neighbor, and the experts on CNBC are all talking about it, buy it. No sense being left behind while the gravy train leaves the station.
  4. Make heavy use of leveraged ETFs. In the old days, leverage was something available only to the high rollers. But the advent of double- and triple- levered ETFs brings the magic of leverage to the common man. So get in the arena, and leave those simplistic non-levered investments to the weak-kneed.
  5. Two words: Hedge funds. 'Nuf said.
  6. Ignore expenses. Yeah, so-called experts talk about keeping them low, but they're likely the same folks who drive ten miles out of their way to save a dime on gas. The fact of the matter is that if you want access to Wall Street's best and brightest, you gotta pay for it. This ain't no charity, folks.
  7. Always judge a book by its cover. If the money manager sounds like a guy who knows what he's talking about, he probably is. And if his outfit looks like it cost more than you paid for your car, all the better. The idea is to find a winner, and if there's one iron law on Wall Street, it's that smart guys win, and those winners like to spend money on shoes, suits, and pinky rings.
  8. Listen to your broker. You're paying him good money to look after you, so for crying out loud make sure you're taking full advantage of his knowledge and insight.
  9. Diversification is for wimps. The object is to own the winners, not the losers. Casting a wide net is for the chumps who don't know where the big fish are.
  10. Make sure you know when someone's putting you on. Happy April Fool's Day.
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